People sometimes say that they way things happen in movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions seem so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television, you don't feel anything.

I completely cut off someone a few months ago. And this person has repeatedly tried to re-establish contact, claiming that they are in love/want to be my friend. Yet this person in particular doesn't come and talk to me instead of sending me messages. This person doesn't know what I do when i get nervous, or the way I eat hamburguers, or how I deal with stress. And it just seems like they want the version of me that is on the internet. And that's not fair.

I don't know how we all got the point where needing a relationship in order to be happy is the case. Of course we all want to be loved, and feel reassured, but.. sometimes we settle for people who we don't even like just because the idea of having them next to us is more attractive. Sometimes even loneliness can push the boundaries. And I have to say, I don't think I have ever felt more alone, or insecure... I am so confused right now.... with grades and colleges, and careers. But to add to that this constant feeling of uncomfortableness with my own body, and the need to bond to someone.

I guess this is what my resolution is all about.. pushing boundaries in order to gain a higher control of myself. And I know some people think I am crazy for doing this, but I am trying to control some part of my life that until now seemed uncontrollable. I am trying to not only find happiness but help others find it. I know the person who I cut off could never be happy with me, and I bet I would never be happy with him. I guess I just need to accept reality. But the possibility of the 'what if' makes it worth worrying about I guess.

I think what I am trying to say is that I want to stop feeling alone and needy.