There's a lot more to me than what meets the eye.

You don't know me, and that means you don't know what I can do. Sometimes I feel like there is only a few people who can really see my whole spectrum, the good, the bad, the weird, the sad, the human qualities.... And I guess I like that hermetic part of my life. I wouldn't want to share my whole universe with anybody who becomes remotely interested because I know in the end somebody would destroy it and tear it all down. However, I wonder... is it okay for me to keep doing this? Because it's really hard for me to completely open up... I feel like I am different person, a superficial version of me when I am in a big social group. Sometimes I just want to scream 'this is not me'.

I guess I have just been trying to find myself... to be the best I can possibly be. But.. something tells me I shouldn't be doing this yet, that I'm going too fast, that I should be stupid and learn from my mistakes first. God I am not even sure all of this makes sense. I think what I am trying to say is that I want to start believing that there has got to be something more, something bigger than the hate, and the stupidity and the sheer necessity of not feeling alone for the night. There has got to be something beyond, a promising future, a problem, an obstacle that requires energy and power of will to overcome but that has greatness waiting at the other side. The thrill of being alive, and feeling whole. It all has to be somewhere. I just don't know how to reach it. I don't even know what kind of a person I am becoming. I was practically called a whore today. And I wanna know what is right and what is wrong.

I want to have enough courage to win. But now I am just emotionally handicapped, I need to regain the strength to be myself again.