I've been having a bit of a rough time lately. I feel so lost.. like I am trapped in a bubble and I can see what's going on outside, but I can't feel it, or hear it.
I know I should be over this, but I still cry every once a while. I miss England so much.. I feel like I've lost the faith in myself, and in love, and life, in drama... It seems like it's all gone. And that makes me so sad.. because I love who I used to be there. I feel like I'm becoming somebody else.. a stranger. It getting to a point that I'm not sure I can handle.
And I still don't know how I'm supposed to react.. my friend is dead. She is not coming back. And I am over the phase where I just cry and hope it's all a dream. But I still don't know what to do. Because nothing I say or do is gonna bring her back. And I'm scared she won't remember me up there. I am so tired of just laying on the floor with hovering around me waiting for me to do something. I just wanna come back to when things were normal.
And my mom.. she is so distant.. it seems like she really stopped being my mom. And I dont wanna do anything that will disappoint her, but every day it becomes more obvious how far apart she's drifted. I'm scared she won't be happy with the choices I make. And I know she's in a delicate position because so much shit is going on between her and my uncle and grandparents.. but.. i miss my mother.
And just to add to the mess.. there is this guy who I care about.. but I just can't figure out what I feel anymore. I know he likes me, but we don't talk that much in school or anything. And he's handled things so well.. he's doing it the right way, being really mature about it.. but I know I keep pushing him away, and one day he's gonne get tired of fighting back. I know I'm not ready for any of it.. and its me the one who's not handling it well. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Sometimes I just wanna forget anything ever happened. It would be so much easier.
However not everything is bad.. I've found myself some pretty amazing friends.. my Bro Olivia.. she's got a twin too.. she's pretty awesome.. we get each other really well, and laugh all the time about perverted phrases... and then there's Julia, she's canadian.. talking to her is just jokes.. and Maria, she's russian, kindest person ever.. really saving my ass with art..
I think what I'm gonna do is just focus on other things.. you know karate, and try to get into dance again.. and school.. I wanna make this year the best it can possibly be.
I NEED to see E.j though.. and Jess too.. and everyone in England..
Lovely, I think we're all feeling the same homesickness wise. I mean, some days or weeks, depending on how lucky you are can be really good. But then others? Well, they can be crap because you know that you're not in England, where your body is telling you uyou should be.
ResponderEliminarbut at the end of the day, it's okay to cry. It helps you get things out. So don't be ashamed of crying lovely. Because we're only human that's what we do. And never feel alone in your homesickness, lonlieness etc. Everyone is feeling it.
Your friend, well she'll never forget you. And she is probably looking down on you right now, watching over you.
So don't ever feel like she would forget you. Because she won't. Mourning is hard to go through. And there are stages, you might know, you might not. But it's up to you how fast you progress through things and if you want to take it slow and think things through then don't worry. Everyone is different.
Patty, she probably will give you a sign in time. Maybe she feels that you don't need a sign right now. Maybe she thinks you're doing okay. But never forget that she was your friend and you were hers. That is never going to change.No one can take away the memories you guys shared. Or the the bond.Or the friendship even.
I don't know what's going on with your mum and her family and that's fine. But if you're feeling like you two are drifting away then the only thing I can suggest is that you talk to her, support her or even just do more things with her. Everyone is going through rough times right now it seems and everyone reacts differently. And some take longer to express their feelings than others but if we're there for them and help them then it can sometimes help them and help them progress faster.
I'm glad this Adrian guys is being mature about it at least anyway. But until you can decipher what your heart and brain is telling you to do, then there isn't much things to be doing tbh. And if he likes you that muhc, he will be willing to wait until you're ready.
and if he hurts you, I'll just have to come and catch a flight to kick his little ass for you. ;)
Andddd for the last bit. Don't lose faith in yourself. When things get tough, the one thing that motivates me without fail is the saying "Winners never quit and quitters never win." Because if you dn't try then, you won't get. IT's as simple as that. You don't have to win at the end of the day, you just have to try.
And Patty, you're a bloody amazing girl so don't ever lose faith and if you do, there's plety of people who would be willing to give their faith to you, I can tell you that now.
But there's no doubt E.J wants to see you too.
I do as well.
I think everyone wants to see each other again.
It's only natural, and it will happen soon, so just hold on tight okay?
I love you. <3
Don't worry darlin' we're here for you, and I for one still have faith in you, deep down you do believe those things, because you want to.:)
ResponderEliminar