It breaks my heart.

So had my speech and drama exam last sunday, and it went really well. I mean guess it was kinda confusing having to snap out of my characters so quickly but.. I really enjoyed it. And somehow I feel like my characters are part of me, and it's just such a rewarding feeling.
And I have been watching loads of Daniel Day-Lewis movies lately... he is such an inspiration.. he gets into something utterly mysterious and finds a magic way to make it meaningful.
And I have been thinking realistically you know, if I could ever become an actress. And as much as I hate to say this.. I don't think I can. Especially since I know my parents will make me go to uni, and there is no way I can get into a performing arts school soon. So.. as much as it breaks my heart, I don't think it can happen. As I have said before, sometimes the truth is more painful than any lie.
And.. it kills me. Because acting has become such a sacred part of me. And I know it won't happen for me, but I am so glad I have spent all these years discovering the magic of it.
Personally I think acting heals me. It helps me not feel the need to define myself just yet, to be able to change. And.. I am heartbroken.
I'm not sure if there is a suitable place for me in society other than acting.
However.. I will take every opportunity I have of doing drama. Just wish my life was different in this way. I want it so bad. To be able to give someone that sense of regeneration just like other actors have given me. Every single time. Without fail.
It breaks my heart.
Guess I just have to keep reminding myself of reality.



Davies.