Be Happy.

Gosh! So much has happened..... Okay the main reason as to why I'm writing today is because, I wanna remind myself in the future of how happy I am. And even though my brain will try to make sense of everything and relate my future sorrows to days like these and being foolish... It's possible to be happy. To be excited about Halloween dance, and two friends having a laugh until 5 am. It's possible because I feel worth things, I feel pretty and attractive, I feel like it doesn't matter whether others judge me because I know who I am, and so do the people that love me. I feel like life is unraveling itself, leaving challenges that I am happy to overcome. I feel like even if there's shit happening, I can deal with it with an air of grace. Someone quite special said that to me once.

I am happy. You can do this. You will be able to.

I hate being alone. I try to kid myself into thinking that I like it, by filling in the time, by making myself useful somewhere else, but I hate feeling alone.

Sometimes, I feel like no one understands me. It's a cliche, and it's crap. I know billions of people around the world deserve more sympathy than me, and that I should feel lucky. And I do. I thank God every day for being alive and for being healthy, and for having the amazing parents I have.

But I just can't shake this feeling of not being good enough. It's like a monster and everywhere I turn it's just waiting for me with sly smile and the knowledge that I can't get rid of it. It's almost become a part of me. And the thing is I can't even remember when this started.

EJ isn't getting the phone so I'm guessing tonight will be another night of lonely tears. But it's okay. I'm just gonna try and take it day by day. I need to find a way to remind myself that my life is worth something, but.... it's hard when all you get is evidence to the contrary. I miss being able to believe.

I love you, dad.

Today I wanna write about my father. He is an exceptional man. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would look like without him, who I would be without him.

He was raised in a family with 7 other siblings, his father was a harsh man. He taught him values like respect for the elders, he taught him to care, he taught him to work hard, and always choose the hard way. One of my father's brothers used to always get into fights with him. One day, he killed himself in the barn with my grandfather's riffle. I know it's something that has tortured my dad for years.

One of the things that I admire the most is his extraordinary work ethic. He is the kind of man that tries to make a difference every day, and who never under any circumstance, compromises his morality.

Sometimes, I feel a little guilty for not studying law. I wish law could make me happy. I wish that I was good enough to do law. But I have to keep believing that my father is proud of me regardless of what I do. I love him for that. He always tells me that all he wants is for me to be happy. I think that if I'm half as good a parent as he has been, I will have done my job correctly.

I honestly think my dad is the best dad in the entire universe.

Words of Nick Vujicic

You don't need to use your body as security to make you feel that someone needs you.

Harry Potter, Thank you.

Today I watched the last Harry Potter movie, and I was reminded of why I pay 7 euros to sit in a movie theatre. The adrenaline of seeing good, and the humanity, and feeling that you belong to something bigger, that you're part of it yourself, and that part nobody can take from you.

I heard in interviews that the kiss between Hermione and Ron was awkward for them, but the mere fact that they were able to fool us all, that's the magic... and no one can take that away from you, the piece of a world that you so badly want to believe in. It exists, in your heart, in your imagination. I feel so blessed to have been a part of this generation, that grew up with Harry Potter, and I hope, if I ever have kids... they will love it just as much as I do.

Thank you JK Rowling. You're a rockstar.

Thank you.

Today, for the first time in, what has seemed years, I wanted to act again. And once again, in my journey of self discovery, I stood in front of the mirror, and recited new words, spoke of dreams hidden in the perseverance of carrying on, and of fears that sometimes need to be faced in order to win. I have been waiting so long to see another movie that would inspire me to act. Today was the day I found it. Surprisingly enough, it was Xmen First Class. The movie talks about being able to find the good... and not hiding just because you're different. It's been said many times before, but you don't always recognize the dilemma you're facing until you see it in someone else. Contrary to what I'd like, I guess I've been quite scared lately, to be different, to be unaccepted, to be strange. And, for the first time in ages, I feel like it's okay to be me. It's okay to be feel the way I do, because I'm not alone. And I know one day I will find someone who can see that in me, and who is able to accept it, and to love it, regardless of the situation. I know that will happen someday. But today.... I just really wanted to act. And I thank God for that. For putting that passion in me, and allowing it to grow, and maybe I will never be an actress, and that's okay... but loving it as much as I do... it saves me, every time. It makes me who I am. I feel liberated. I feel like I am myself again. Like I found my way back from my dark place. Thank you, God, whoever you are.

SELF PITY STOPS TODAY!

Today, I was reminded by an unexpected someone of how stupid it is to feel like you're not good enough. Ultimately, it's something we all feel at some point in our lives, but I guess he was right when he said that as long as you do your best, you'll sleep in peace. I have to agree completely. And I think this has been said a lot of times, but it never really clicked in my head. I am gonna be my own, and once and for all (even though this has gotten better), I'm gonna stop comparing myself to my sister. I am me, and that IS good enough.

I guess there is a nobility in waking up everyday and trying your hardest, because happy is a mood, not a destination. From now on, instead of feeling scared, I'm gonna try and have in mind the words 'I can'.